When our son is out on the ice for warmups, I can predict 2 things that he will do without fail. The first is stretching – he is a goalie and he can almost do a complete middle split (thank you Karate International of West Raleigh). The second is he will find the referees and will give them fist bumps. The first time I saw this, I asked him about it. He told me he said thank you to them for showing up and appreciating them. I didn’t know really what to say. I have never prompted him to do something like this. I hoped we had been good examples to him, but you never know.
Recently I was coaching in a national tournament, when there were some “concerns” with the junior referee. At the intermission, I called over the senior partner, and I explained my concerns about the junior referee. Now, the senior had gotten close to my face, and the impression could be construed as intense, I didn’t take it personally and explained my position. He stated he hadn’t seen it, but he would mention things and take care of them. He skated off and for the rest of the game, things were fine.
After the game, we went through the handshake line and went to shake hands with the officials. The senior ref and I shook hands and made jokes to each other about how we are getting too old for being out on the ice as much as we had been this weekend, enjoyed a laugh and parted ways. I was following my team out, when the senior ref called to me and skated up to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Thank you”. He told me he appreciated that I was talking TO him, and with him, with respect.
He was telling me about the horrible experiences he had in this last season with parents and coaches, especially in youth hockey. How everyone yells at them (refs) and treats them as if all the ills of the world are their fault. And while he was bracing for that to be my presentation to him, he was pleasantly surprised by the opposite. I told him I unfortunately understood all too well what he experienced. I have sat on disciplinary committee boards, and the stories and negativity that has come out of them is truly disheartening.
I shake my head sometimes, wondering where it all went wrong. People walking up to each other on the street and hitting them for some glorified internet prank, or those in power calling others losers and stupid. Have we lost our way so badly that we can’t remember the word Respect? And there are times that I would believe it, that we have forgotten. But then I see the glimmers of hope in different places, reminders that maybe it's not too late.
All it takes is a soulful woman spelling out the word RESPECT in song, or 2 old guys at the hockey rink remembering the lessons of their elders and acting like men. Or, maybe what we need is more innocence of youth, in the form of a little goalie, skating over to a grown man in authority, and giving him a fist bump with his oversized goalie glove and thanking him for coming out to the game.
