"A minute here, a minute there, I see you. I know what's going on in your life. We coach a person, not a child."

A spark lit up in my brain watching John O'Sullivan's presentation at TCS Live 2024 during his section about connecting with players. I want to evolve and grow as a coach like John talks about, and I feel like one of my strengths as a coach is my ability to adapt to changing tactics in the game. My teams are always organized and structured. 

But this has all been built upon the foundation of my natural ability to relate with players and make them feel valuable. I think this is because they are valuable. In junior hockey I probably spent more time with perennial healthy scratches than I did with first unit power play guys. That's on me, that's something I need to balance better. But this meant that I always had a rock solid dressing room with players who truly compete for each other. That's because the ones who don't usually stick out like a sore thumb. 

When I was fired in 2024 that foundation was shaken. The people to whom I reported didn't see those relationships or didn't care to. It was about winning for them - it was for me too! I wanted to win by building the players up, and that approach takes time.

Getting punted had me believing that my approach was completely off until I heard John speak about how many coaches in college hockey, professional sports, and all over the world believe the same thing. It's not even belief - it's irrefutable fact. If anything I should have leaned into that aspect of coaching more - not having time is not an excuse. Even a minute here and there for one on one conversations is valuable, and it's what will truly bring the most out of them. Imagine getting the most out of the best players who fit with the team on and off the ice - that's where the magic happens. 

I've grappled with my identity as a coach often, particularly in the past six months. John is showing me a mirror that highlights my stengths as well as my weaknesses - I'll never be completely free of doubt, and that's ok. It's what drives me to get better and contribute. But I know now that my key strength is including every player and pushing them as individuals. Which means my primary identity is that I get the most out of my teams. Sometimes it's like squeezing blood from a stone! 

But I'm going to lean into that. Winning the relationship game doesn't mean you're a cheerleader either. When you build a relationship you can be honest because you're building trust. 

Check out this snippet from O'Sullivan's presentation and view the full video here a membership to The Coaches Site.